Broken Doll
by M i s s. CANDYcancer
Summary: {THIRTEEN} Tracy reflects on all that has happened... and wonders why it's happened..and why she met Evie Zamora in the first place (song fic to Lemon by Katy Rose)


HEY! I'm back after long periods of waiting! Don't worry though...i will update my other fics....I'm just having writers block.....oh and if raku is reading this HI RAKU!!! *waves insanly* BUT anyways. I am obsessed with the Movie Thirteen. It reminds me of everything me and my friends go thru (minus the do it for popularity thing) It's a wonderful movie WONDERFUL......GO SEE IT AGAIN! so here this is.. I don't own Thirteen. *grumble*. This is a songfic to Lemon by Katy Rose (not the best artist ever BUT i gotta give her props I love the lyrics to this is song) so If you haven't heard this song it's in the credits for the movie. This is based on the end where Tracy is spinnin round and round (and where it it talks about how Tracy loves Evie and Evie loves tracy I didn't really write that as in a YURI way but more of a family way...but think of it as what ever you want.) here it is. NO FLAMES review ^^ ~  
  
I could feel my world spinning as the wheel went around and around. It was rather symbolic, the way the wheel went as if nothing could stop it, faster and faster, just like my life. I didn't necessarily want Yumi and Noel back, I just wanted my life back, I wanted it to be the way it was before. I wanted to stay with in that moment and time for ever, like the time, the first time I got high with Evie. It was as if nothing could take away my fun, I was Evie's clay. She shifted me and molded me into her own, and I obeyed with all my heart. I loved what she had turned me into. but then it started going out of hand. Soon my world was drained of all color. The fun went as fast as it came. Soon pain became my only Zen of freedom and fun. I felt so bad for what I did to my mother, I love her so much, but I hate her. Just like I love Evie. I love Evie for what she gave me, the gift of the disturbing fun, the gift of drugs and pain and sex. But I hate her for giving me those things. She took away my freedom. She stripped me of innocence and tore me away from myself, and then when I needed her most she left me.  
  
~They've clipped my wings again Tore them apart and then left me No chance to fly away to my yesterday  
...Of freedom~  
  
Now they know. I can't go back now. I wish I could. I remember that day all too well. 'Cute Top.' 'Cute belt.' That's all it took. I should've known Evie was bad news, as soon as I realized she gave me a fake number, and then when I got to Melrose, she was stealing, I should've known what was going to happen, I woulda shoulda coulda. But I didn't. So then I tried out stealing for myself. I thought it was a terrible thing at first, but then I found the adrenaline rush it provided. The feeling I had when I showed it. I was so fucking proud of myself. I was so desperate to be popular; I would do anything for it. Stealing wasn't that bad though. The little things weren't that bad...oh a couple drugs, jacking some stuff, big fucking whoop. But it was what it was turning into, that was what sucked. I hurt so many people. I caused so much pain. I hurt so many people. They loved me and I wringed their souls. That's what hurts the most. My Life is a tangle, and I loved it. It was fun at at first, the adrenaline rush was over whelming, but then it just got worse, more scars on my arms less color in the beautifully corrupted world around me. I still remember the day it all started, and I would give anything to go back.  
  
~My eyes died back that day Seeing the hurt I may have done Beat me instead of them pain is my only Zen of fun~  
  
So what did I do to make it better? I got high. I went into the blissful state of colors and giggles the drugs provided me. I could feel no pain. It was our secret, our own little secret. We had our own world of selling our souls to the drugs for freedom. They were our secrets. We sold secrets and it was insane. The pure bliss of no pain. Minus the constant feeling that my nose was melting off I loved it. It was as if I was sleeping forever. I could hear no sound except for the laughs and yelps of the people around me. Their mouths opening and closing at such slow rates and the sound was muted and the water wasn't cold. I was so happy! I was my escape. My other escape was blood. The emotions that left my arm were tremendous. It hurt so good. I couldn't feel the pain. But I could. It didn't hurt. But it did. It hurt so good. My pretty razor blade swept across my arm leaving red on my sleeve. Evie may have not thought I was awake, but I was. She saw it and said 'I love you, Tracy.' That's when I knew things were going to start getting bad. I knew from then on she was going to worm her way out of this. I knew deep inside...she really did love me as family....as as family would have it...she was going to save me so, to stop the hurt of knowing that, I went into my bliss, my own world, of drugs and every shade of color.  
  
~I'll go where secrets are sold Where roses unfold I'll sleep as time goes by~  
  
And that's when I knew it. This was what I was doomed for. Pain, hurt, anger, regret, and sorrow. To stay strong I have to do what ever it takes. It was tearing me apart. Ripping me to shreds is their entertainment, so I have to stay strong by slicing my pain away. I'll dream and play pretend, do my drugs, cut and get on with life. There is no more life in me, I don't belong. My mother continually makes food for me. I want to eat it but its do or die. And I'd rather stay where I am then dying. I want to stay the way I am and Evie taught me how. To maintain perfection I stopped eating and when I did I gagged it up, and I could rarely binge because I was in bliss most of the time, but now I can't throw up, I'm to dead to try. I'm tired of it. I'm empty and numb.  
  
~So hurting here is where I belong Dreaming a song  
  
Blood on my hands to stay strong  
  
The flowers in the grave yard are all gone I don't belong  
  
There is no right to heal the wrong  
  
Soups on hot feeling like a do or die  
  
I cant throw up don't think I even wanna try~  
  
They still can't make me cry. I'm going to stay strong. They've plucked my wings and tortured me and molded me and tamed me. Evie has two sides. She's so lost. She's like a lost porcelain doll that was broken and pieced back together. She just wanted a family so made mine hers. She tortured us, corrupted us...or was it the other way around...actually we were all like this before, but with Evie around it became more external than internal. Now it's over. They've found me. She betrayed me. As she watched our family fall apart she smiled, as if we were her puppets. Once you're friends with Evie there's no way out. And then when her play was finally over she threw us away. I really regret being friends with her...but I still love her.  
  
~you still cant make me can't make me cry  
  
You've pinned this butterfly down  
  
my fire's burning out  
  
kill my flame with out  
  
a frown~  
  
She just wanted someone to love her. When Evie was crying I knew things were terribly wrong, and I was not just Evie's pawn, Evie really loved me. She really wanted to be my sister. Evie lives in her own fantasy world.. He was crippled But only his body was cracked its not simple Nor is it an easy matter to explain Let's just leave it at that she says And closes the holy book of lies She covers her eyes Denying to herself What she thought happened Her facade couldn't last forever she just wanted someone to love her. She starved for it, she needed it, but I couldn't give it to her. I couldn't save her. But she loved me. So she saved me, Weather out of betrayal, or love, she saved me. We're both still lost porcelain dolls. We're still broken, but at least she can pretend. So I'll go into my bliss and she'll go into hers.  
  
~And starving hurts the soul  
  
When you're hungry for some love  
  
So if I close my eyes I can really fly  
  
above.~ I want it all back. I want Yumi back, I want Noel back, I want Evie back, I want my family's happiness back....I want my life back. But I can't have it back. It's all too much.  
  
And that's when I realize I'm only thirteen. It's all happening so fast.  
  
~I'll go where secrets are sold where roses unfold I'll sleep as time goes by So hurting here is where I belong Dreaming a song Blood on my hands to stay strong The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong There is no right to heal the wrong Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die I can't throw up don't think I even want to try.~  
  
I threw my head back and screamed. I love you Evie. 


End file.
